Chapter 190: Wouldn’t It Be Good to Die on a Snowy Day
Chapter 190: Wouldn’t It Be Good to Die on a Snowy Day
The winter wind was cold. Mr. Chen always lit a stove for warmth. Back then, the Southern Garden held not only Mr. Chen but also a Taoist who often sat meditating. This Taoist was his disciple.
A red fox spent all day lying asleep by the stove, while Mr. Chen usually read books and rarely spoke.
“That year, you taught me many things. But when late spring arrived the next year, you said you had to journey far away. And you were gone for over two years.”
“I thought you wouldn’t come back. But then, when summer came, you returned to the Taoist Temple with the young Yu Xuan.”
Chen Changsheng thought aloud, “Yu Xuan…”
Hu Yu said, “It was you who brought her to the Southern Garden and took her as your disciple.”
Hearing this, Chen Changsheng pondered and murmured softly, “So… it was the me back then who found her…”
Hu Yu opened her mouth as if to say something, but after a moment’s thought, she changed her mind and continued.
“You often went out traveling, but you also came back often, especially in the early spring to the Southern Garden, catching the best season. After returning to the Southern Garden, you seldom went outside again, staying until the next early spring.”
“In those days, I often lay by the table watching you. But your eyes were only on your books. You would read for days without knowing any rest…”
These past events seemed especially ordinary, but for Hu Yu, they were the most peaceful days she had ever known.
Time spent with Mr. Chen always made her feel at ease.
“Years pass unnoticed in the mountains. In the blink of an eye, Zhao Yuqing had mastered the Daoist Arts and then went down the mountain. Only Yu Xuan, you, and I remained on the mountain.”
“Yu Xuan was a foolish girl. Everything she tried to learn, she couldn’t grasp. Yet you were always patient, willing to spend time teaching her. I had slightly better understanding, so you paid very little attention to me. That made me quite uncomfortable.”
Hu Yu smiled, remembering those times.
“So I decided to pretend to be foolish too. I acted like I couldn’t do things, just to get to talk with you more.”
“Before we knew it, a sexagenary cycle had passed.”
“Yu Xuan had grown into a graceful woman, and I had also transformed into human form. But then, one day, you suddenly found us and said you were going on another journey.”
“Both she and I thought it would be just like before, a trip lasting a couple of years. But you never returned to the Southern Garden again.”
It all sounded very peaceful, yet this very tranquility made Yu Xuan and Hu Yu remember it deeply for so long.
“Yu Xuan went down the mountain to search for you. And I waited at the Southern Garden. I waited another full sixty years. Seeing that Yu Xuan hadn’t returned, I finally headed down the mountain too.”
Hu Yu looked at Chen Changsheng and said, “I was luckier than Yu Xuan. Just one year after leaving the mountain, I found you at the Southern Sea Mountains.”
“But the you back then seemed to have forgotten many things. All the past events were gone from your memory. You yourself… were like a blank page.”
Chen Changsheng paused at this. “A blank page?”
“Your Magical Power, your Cultivation… it was all gone. You were just like an ordinary mortal.”
Hu Yu said, “I only learned afterward that you became that way because you tried practicing the Sutra of Rebirth.”
“Sutra of Rebirth…”
Chen Changsheng frowned in thought. Could his past memory loss be connected to this Sutra?
“I know what you want to ask,” Hu Yu said, meeting his eyes. “But I must tell you the reason you don’t remember anything now is absolutely not because of practicing the Sutra of Rebirth.”
Chen Changsheng was taken aback. “Then why…?”
Hu Yu looked at him steadily. “The Sutra of Rebirth might be incomplete, but even if something went wrong, after rebirth, fragments of past life memories should still return, triggered by people or events.”
“I brought you from the Southern Sea Mountains into the Mortal World. That year, I traveled the Mortal World by your side. Passing through each place, fragments of your memory would resurface.”
“You, once a blank slate, were no longer as silent and withdrawn as before. That special favor… that partiality… now fell upon me. But then, one day, you suddenly spoke the name ‘Yu Xuan.’ I panicked…”
“So I avoided everything and everyone connected to Yu Xuan. That way, you wouldn’t remember Yu Xuan. You wouldn’t remember the Southern Garden. You would only remember me. Then I could stay by your side, and that special favor would belong to me alone.”
Hu Yu’s voice suddenly dropped. She sighed. “But nothing in this world is absolute.”
“You still met her in the end.”
“One glance was all it took. You remembered everything.”
“Everything became like yesterday’s vanished dream. Gone, never to return. You became the silent, withdrawn Mr. Chen once more.”
“And even though you knew it was I who had been by your side during that lost year, even though you knew those memories, those shared moments… none of it changed how you viewed me. In your eyes, I remained just… that little fox.”
Hu Yu gave a bitter laugh. “Only I was the self-deluded one.”
Chen Changsheng asked softly, “Did you never… ask?”
Hu Yu lifted her head. “I did. But the you back then, you didn’t answer. You avoided the question. I guessed the answer then, and I left the Southern Garden. I never went back after that.”
Her gaze held a deep, complex nostalgia. “Those years all seem so tranquil now. But honestly, in the beginning, I wasn’t even sure myself. Was what I felt admiration? Affection? You were as dull as wood! You only knew reading books and sitting silently. But whenever you left the garden, I couldn’t stop thinking of you.”
“Thoughts of you finding me on that snowy night. Thoughts of the things you taught me. Thoughts of how I used to lie beside the table, watching your face…”
“Every time I closed my eyes, and every time I opened them, it was only you.”
Hu Yu lowered her head. “It wasn’t until later, when I decided to hide the truth from everyone… that’s when I finally knew what lay in my heart.”
She raised her eyes to meet Chen Changsheng’s. “That… is the unresolved bond between you and me.”
Chen Changsheng stayed silent, absorbing everything Hu Yu had just revealed about the past.
It carried no intense passions he might have imagined. Instead, it felt almost muted. Yet, within that very quietude lay the foundation for what was to come.
Chen Changsheng lifted his gaze. “May I ask… what question did you pose back then?”
Hu Yu looked back at him. “I asked two things.”
“The first was only about love, or the lack of it. The second… was a demand to choose.”
“Choose one… between me and Yu Xuan.”
Hu Yu stated quietly, “You chose neither me nor Yu Xuan. And the first question… went unanswered too.”
“Had you chosen Yu Xuan then, perhaps I wouldn’t have clung so fiercely to the memory of those times.”
She sighed softly, a whisper in the quiet. “Now, recalling that year wandering the Mortal World together… it seems like the moon reflected in water. Ultimately… just an empty reflection. Beautiful, untouchable, gone the moment you reach for it.”
Chen Changsheng’s thoughts were tangled. He remained silent for a long time, uncertain what to say.
Hu Yu offered a sad, wan smile. “If you can’t say it, then don’t. I understand. The you of now… you aren’t him.”
Her voice dropped, heavy with an ancient sorrow. “I was just thinking…”
“How good it would have been… if I had died that day in the deep, deep snow.”