Chapter 403: Is Nanami Feeling This Way Too?

He used a manga to rehearse the entire date that afternoon beforehand.

He just wanted to spend this afternoon smoothly and happily with Himekoji.

The manga overflowed with that sweet, naive feeling of young love.

This was Mashiro’s manga.

Even a quick sketch drawn carelessly in her sketchbook possessed unmatched expressiveness.

So, just by looking at the manga, he could understand.

That day, Mashiro came carrying exactly these hopes.

But sadly, things didn’t go as planned, leaving her disappointed.

The manga plot resembled that day’s sketching outing somewhat, but the process differed. And as for the ending? It was completely opposite.

Mashiro only drew the beginning right—only the part where the boy and girl met at the station.

Afterwards, starting from their conversation, the story veered irreversibly towards another extreme.

Finally, they even had a huge argument in the hotel lobby, in front of everyone.

It was his fault.

Of course.

Because he realized he liked Nanami, he couldn’t see clearly the feelings he had in his heart for Mashiro anymore.

Falling for two people at once—trying to escape this dark, heavy, suffocating guilt—Himekoji deceived himself.

Because of this, he couldn’t effortlessly compliment Mashiro’s clothes, nor could he reach out and comfortably hold her hand.

But he wanted to…

He wanted to naturally say Mashiro’s clothes were lovely, wanted to casually take her hand and intertwine their fingers, wanted to call her name, wanted to hug her, wanted to tell her he liked her too…

But…

If he did that.

What about Nanami?

What would happen to Nanami?

The kiss on the Ferris Wheel… it still returned in every midnight dream he had ever since.

That’s why he acted like an idiot all afternoon.

Restraining himself was hard work!

Wanting to do something but not being able to—that was the harsh reality unique to this world.

Of course, if you said he did those things with Nanami… well, he had.

The kissing, the hand-holding, even sharing ice cream bought with discount coupons.

But that was only because Himekoji discovered his feelings for Nanami first.

If the order had been switched, the outcome might be completely reversed. It was highly possible Nanami might be the hurting one instead of Mashiro.

The first love was genuine, the second was greed. In a world always praising the pure loyalty of love, wasn’t that what everyone thought? What everyone believed?

So Himekoji, who had never been right before, made another mistake here. How was that strange?

What was strange about it…?

……

Amidst the constant guilt and self-blame, Himekoji finally flipped to the last page of the manga.

The boy and girl sat together by the riverside as night fell, snuggling close as they gazed out at the water. The scene drawn was truly beautiful, truly romantic.

The moonlight shone brightly, almost unreal. The night sky stretched clear and deep, empty and vast. Willow trees by the riverside swayed gently in the night breeze.

A couple deep in love sat together in such a night.

Suddenly understanding something, Himekoji snapped his head up, looking towards the riverside—

There sat couple after couple.

He vaguely seemed to remember… hearing it somewhere before. The park by the riverside was a place every deeply-in-love couple must visit. It was said that snuggling together at night, gazing out at the river, would earn blessings from the god of romance.

Was that why Mashiro chose this spot to gather material?

The stabbing pain in his chest began to spread throughout his whole body.

Snap!

Himekoji shut the sketchbook.

The images from the manga and the scene of their hotel argument stood in sharp contrast yet gradually merged in his mind.

Unconsciously, his fists clenched.

Why?

Why did things turn out this way?

Himekoji asked himself.

However, before he could find an answer, he heard someone calling his name.

He thought it was Hiratsuka-sensei back from the convenience store, but upon clearly hearing that highly distinctive voice, he instantly realized it wasn’t her.

“…Akito.”

The person softly calling his name like this was Mashiro.

Standing about four or five meters away from him under a streetlight, staring at him timidly, carefully clutching a sketchbook to her chest.

“How…?”

He understood why before he even asked.

She must have lost her sketchbook and came back here to gather material again, right?

Instinctively, Himekoji began to stand up.

But the moment he moved, Mashiro, sensing something beforehand, quickly stepped back as if afraid. Her whole body hid behind the streetlamp pole, and she even turned her back towards him.

This reaction…

Did she dislike him?

Was she scared of him?

A wave of intense pain washed over his chest.

“This…”

Bracing himself, Himekoji held up the sketchbook in his hand.

Hearing his voice, Mashiro cautiously turned her head back.

“Ah.”

The moment she recognized the object, Mashiro let out a quiet sound of surprise, barely louder than the buzz of a mosquito.

Himekoji intended to step forward and return the sketchbook. Unexpectedly, he had barely taken one step when Mashiro, seeing the movement, instantly backed away again without a second thought.

Himekoji’s face darkened; he hurriedly stopped his step.

“Can I… come over to you?”

He already prepared himself for rejection.

“…Mhm.”

But what he heard was a very, very faint reply, so quiet it was almost inaudible.

So Himekoji took a step. Each step was very small. Each step was very slow, as if afraid of frightening her.

The short distance of a few meters took him so long to cross.

Finally, he stood before Mashiro.

Mashiro took the sketchbook and checked its contents.

“It’s mine… Th…thank you…”

“Th…thank you?”

He was thanked, yet felt absolutely no joy.

If anything, just the opposite. Himekoji felt terribly hurt inside.

He couldn’t recall Mashiro ever saying thank you to him before?

This feeling of distance…

Even though she stood right in front of him, it felt like an invisible, transparent glass wall separated them.

“Hiratsuka-sensei found it. The person you should thank is her.”

“Oh.”

After those few short words, he found nothing else to say, and silence fell.

This wasn’t good.

Say something.

Panicked inside and urging himself to speak, his mouth was sluggish. It only started working normally after a long delay.

“Um, Shiina…”

“…Yes?”

“I’m sorry. Even though I thought Shiina’s clothes were cute… I couldn’t make myself say ‘cute.’ Even when seeing you done up made my heart beat fast… I still couldn’t say it.”

“And I… I couldn’t even hold your hand… When it’s just us… I couldn’t even call you by name…”

“…Hmm.”

As if feeling sad too, Mashiro lowered her gaze.

“Akito.”

Then, Mashiro called his name.

“Yeah…”

Himekoji looked quietly at Mashiro.

This Mashiro.

His heart already held the answer at this very moment. He had already confirmed it—

This Mashiro.

Not a pet, not a burden… but the girl he liked.

…

“I… want to be with Akito.”

There seemed to be more. Himekoji held back from interrupting, held his breath, and listened quietly.

“But… being with Akito is painful.”

As she said this, Mashiro clenched her hands in front of her chest.

“…Shiina.”

Himekoji was certain he completely understood that pain.

Because he was bearing it too.

But no matter what, that he was causing Mashiro pain made him a complete jerk.

“Today… I planned to spend the whole day with Akito…”

She said “day” instead of “afternoon” here because she originally planned the evening too. The manga even showed the evening schedule.

But…

They had fallen apart in the afternoon.

“So I did lots and lots of prep… and thought about lots and lots of things… to have fun together. But… it wasn’t like I imagined. Not even half went as planned. It wasn’t fun at all.”

“I… was afraid.”

“Seeing Akito… made me want to run away.”

“It isn’t any good for me to be with Akito… is it?”

“Wh…”

How?

He intended to say that. But Mashiro didn’t give him time. He only managed that first syllable before her next words cut him off.

“If I’m with Akito… what about Nanami?”

He swallowed the remaining two syllables back.

Himekoji realized sadly that he could no longer answer that question.

He knew this pain too well. Better than anyone.

A way to make them both happy just…

“This isn’t what I thought it would be!”

“I thought it would be happier… something more.”

“Why… why does falling for someone have to be so painful?”

Mashiro’s poured-out feelings crashed over Himekoji, one sentence after another.

Grinding his teeth tightly on his lower lip, Himekoji endured painfully. If he didn’t, he’d cry. If he didn’t, if he let all this emotion overflow in this moment… he’d wrap his arms around Mashiro.

“Is this how Nanami feels now too?”

In this state, Himekoji could not tell Mashiro the answer.

…