Chapter 396: That’s Why I’m Not Meeting You

“Because… I didn’t want to see Akito.”

Just as Himekoji let his guard down slightly, a sharp arrow shot through the air with a whoosh.

Straight through his chest.

“…That… hurts a bit to hear.”

After pausing briefly, Himekoji spoke with a bitter smile.

Luckily, he was already ready for this. Until now, he had always interacted with others knowing they might dislike him.

“So, Akito… Please leave.”

“Are you still upset because I yelled at you? I’m sorry.”

Himekoji knew this kind of routine apology wasn’t going to help.

Because the problem hadn’t been about that from the start.

Their conversation a week ago was just the trigger.

“I’m not upset.”

“I see…”

Though the door remained shut, the presence that had moved away seemed to draw closer again.

He couldn’t see inside, but he could hear faint footsteps.

Pitter-patter, pitter-patter…

Right there, just on the other side of the door.

“Shiina?”

He instinctively turned, but the door didn’t open.

Himekoji’s eyes dimmed. A feeling of disappointment washed over him.

“If I see Akito now… I’d want to see him even more.”

Shiina Mashiro’s small voice came quietly through the crack.

“If I talked to Akito… I’d want to talk to him more. I’d just keep wanting to talk… and to… be with Akito.”

“I wouldn’t be able to live without Akito.”

“I’d want to be with Akito forever.”

“When I think about Akito… I start feeling like… I’m getting strange.”

Her voice was soft, brushing against Himekoji’s eardrums.

“‘Strange’…?”

He finally managed to speak then.

“Yeah. I started… not knowing myself.”

Mashiro’s voice was calm, like a narrator telling a story.

“There’s only one me… Yet now… It feels like there are many.”

Her tone was level, not tearful.

“The me who likes Akito.”

Not a flustered sound either.

“The me who hates Akito.”

Nor an outburst of emotion.

“The me who wants to let Akito go to Nanami.”

Not a helpless mumble.

“The me who… wants to have Akito all to myself.”

Not sulky or resentful.

She’d definitely been thinking about all this… ever since moving into the Hotel… and living alone.

Away from Himekoji, Mashiro could finally see her own heart clearly.

Because of that, she could stay this calm while talking to him.

Saying she didn’t understand… but perhaps she actually did.

She had already acknowledged the many different selves within her.

Her voice finally trembled near the end… as her own complicated feelings finally broke her calm…

“If Akito looked at someone else… it would hurt.”

“If Akito didn’t only look at me… I could never be satisfied.”

Faced with this painfully direct truth, Himekoji couldn’t find any words. His breath caught in his throat.

His heart started racing, his throat felt dry, and darkness threatened to blot out his sight.

“So… I don’t want to see Akito.”

Oh.

So that’s why.

“I… I see…”

Maybe from sitting there too long, his legs had gone numb. Himekoji leaned against the wall and slowly struggled to stand.

He didn’t want to force Mashiro. He couldn’t force her. He wouldn’t force her to go somewhere to draw or gather material with someone she didn’t want to see.

He had always tried his best with the System’s tasks.

No matter how hard or perverted they were.

But this one time…

He truly couldn’t.

He really couldn’t do it.

He should just take the punishment. Accept whatever penalty came with failing.

He hoped it wouldn’t be too harsh.

No, it was fine if it was harsh!

Actually… it should be harsh.

After doing so many stupid things… he deserved to be punished.

As Himekoji wallowed in self-pity, Mashiro’s voice continued inside the room.

“After saying all that… I must be bothering Akito, right? I never wanted to trouble you…”

“I already told you, Shiina, you’re never a—”

Himekoji’s words were cut off by Mashiro’s sudden shout—

“I just didn’t want Akito to see me like this! I didn’t want him to see me being so complicated and troublesome! That’s why I didn’t want to see him! That’s why I’m holding back!”

The shout came straight through the door.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Emotion overwhelmed her, pressing down unbearably hard.

“It’s so very very hard!”

“I… almost… can’t hold back…”

“I really want to see Akito…”

“I also want to go sketching with Akito…”

“Akito is so annoying…”

“It’s all Akito’s fault…”

The voice inside the room was fragmented, completely unlike its earlier calm.

Outside, Himekoji pressed his forehead hard against the door. His short, neat fingernails scraped repeatedly against the cold metal handle, producing a sharp, grating sound that grated on the nerves.

“I’m sorry, it’s my fault, all my fault. I’m sorry…”

Yet, there should have been words more meaningful than this apology. Words truly worth voicing.

There were things he desperately wanted to say!

He had to say them. Absolutely had to say them!

As if making up his mind, Himekoji looked up straight ahead, his gaze so intense it seemed capable of piercing the wood, aiming straight at Mashiro within the room.

In that moment, Himekoji saw only the invisible Mashiro.

He gathered all the tenderness within him, condensed it into a single sentence, and poured it out directly to her—

“Mashiro will always be Mashiro… No matter which Mashiro, no matter how she is. She is Mashiro. And I want to see Mashiro. I want to see her.”

It wasn’t about the task.

Just one week apart, and longing had overflowed like a flood.

But this feeling, the moment Nanami came to mind, bred an overwhelming guilt.

And trapped in that longing and guilt, Himekoji felt utterly tormented.

“……”

Not a single sound came from inside the room.

Believing that staying any longer now would only cause Mashiro more distress…

Therefore.

“I’ll call you again. Even if you don’t pick up, Shiina, I’ll keep calling.”

After saying that, Himekoji pressed his lips together tightly, turned, and left.

……

As Himekoji stepped out of the elevator, he was called over by Miss Iida waiting in the lobby.

The two spoke about Mashiro for a while, after which Miss Iida, feeling terribly guilty about the mix-up earlier, insisted on treating Himekoji to dinner.

Unable to refuse, he had no choice but to accept.

During the meal, Himekoji asked Iida Ayano a question that had been on his own mind.

“Um, Miss Iida?”

“What is it?”

“Is Shiina… Is the new manuscript she’s creating okay? In her current state?”

“Oh, that? That’s actually fine! In fact, the emotional expression has really improved! Especially in parts we considered Shiina’s weaknesses – depicting each character’s struggles, their thoughts on love, their perspective on it – it’s become much more impressive! Shiina’s manga is amazing right now! I really mean it.”

“Is that so?”

He felt a slight relief, but another vague, uneasy feeling sprouted in his heart.

“Even so, I can’t really bring myself to just be happily relieved for her. More than that… I wish for Shiina to overcome her troubles soon. Seeing her like this… as her editor, it affects me deeply too.”

Suddenly remembering something, she added,

“Oh, that reminds me, Himekoji-kun? If you have time, I suggest you read Shiina’s manga too.”

“Yeah. I will. I’ll read it. Definitely.”

……